Friday, January 28, 2011


Swaning back to you

Wow, I just saw Black Swan. It is so amazing, words can not describe how I'm feeling right now. It completely messes with your head in a fascinating way. If you haven't seen, go and see it. Wow. I've been doing ok eating wise. I've actually been craving green apples. I'm eating them like crazy. I haven't really been working out much, but I'm doin calf raises. Calf raises are suppose to be amazing for your calves and lower butt. What you do is just go up onto your toes and then slowly place heels on the floor and then repeat. I do this 50 times when I brush my teeth. It feels so good.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I like it when I'm empty

My thighs are so sore right now. I had a work out at the gym two days ago, and then today i went again. Big mistake. My legs were already sore from the first work out session, and now it's unbearable. Walking hurts and I can't spread my legs as it hurts to much. Oh well, a little bit of pain is worth the end result. I've haven't been feeling hungry lately. It's not because I've been eating lots, in fact I've been doing quite the opposite. I think that if my stomach rumbles it's my mind tricking me into eating so that I'll get fat. I'm turning against myself. I really need someone to talk to. Someone who can hug me as I cry. Problem is, is that my two best friends haven't even bothered to talk to me in the past two weeks. how can I get their attention so that I can say I need your help?
P.S I'm going away for about a week in 4 days, and I won't be able to post. Sorry

Monday, January 10, 2011

Happy Awkwardness

I feel rather empty. This makes me so happy. For the past three days I've only eaten an apple and dinner. I haven't yet been to the gym, but I plan on going sometime today. I love it when my tummy rumbles, it's just another reminder at how well I'm doing. When I lye down my hip bones are obvious, and I like feel the concave gap between them. All though my 'trouble' areas haven't really changed I'm hoping the gym will be able to help me out there.

As for M, well, things couldn't be more awkward. It's at that stage where we both know we like each other, but because of my ex, we don't know what to do about it. It's like we're analysing each others movements and tone of voice to see if the other actually likes us, or if it's all been a crual joke. I'm so fed up over the situation. I just want it to go somewhere, because where I'm at is just uncomfortable.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Striving to not pig out

Last night I ate a whole 8inch 8 piece pizza all by myself. It was all grease, and cheese and bbq sauce. Then to top it off I had ice cream with whipped cream and sprinkles. God I disgust myself. I really need to get back on track. I'm going to a music festival in a couple of weeks and I want to look all lovely for it, so I just have to lose this weight. I am going to start really pushing myself. Of course this is easier said than done, but I am so determined now. I have a goal, and a reason to reach that goal.
Wish me luck.

I know that some of you are going through a hard time at the moment. Well I want to tell you a story.
Earlier last year a girl called Olivia killed herself. She was in my year, but went to another school. I'm friends with a few of her friends, and seeing what her death did to them was so hard.
They were destroyed. They took a week off school and refused to talk to anyone, and when they came to class their cheeks were streaked with tears. It was heartbreaking.
Olivia had drowned herself in the harbour. She took a day off school, and went to the post shop where she sent letters and gifts to all her friends. I never really found out the reason as to why she comitted suicide, you know, what pushed her over the edge.
But please girls, don't let yourself sink this low. get help, talk to someone. I don't want any of you to feel alone in the world, because you're not. There is always someone there, even if you can't see them. Please, please don't harm yourself. It's not worth it.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sunburn and update

I appreciate your recomendations for books, but i ended up getting Dracula.
So when i went to the beach I got sunburnt. is this possibly a sign that I should lose more weight? It's not too bad and won't peel, thank god, but it still stings like a bitch! i've been putting so much aloe vera cream on it, as well as ice packs. It's all ready looking a lot better.

Yesterday I managed to only eat 600 calories. I am quite proud. Sadly i haven't been quite as successful with my exercise. I haven't been at all this week, and I feel super guilty. But i will go every single day next week. I will, I will, I will, I WILL. As for the vinegar shots. I admit, I have been a little bit slack. I take one in the morning before breakfast, then forget about lunch and dinner so to make up for it I take two at night. It's not very pleasent. but I have noticed that the vinegar makes me feel slightly sick, so therefore i eat less. The sickness goes after about ten minutes, but I eat quick so my parents think i've eaten more, so i can get out of eating all my dinner.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

let me introduce myself, properly

So for all that don't know I am 16 and live in New Zealand (the place where Lord of the Rings was filmed). New Zealand has great pride in itself, but personally, I think it's shit. . As soon as I am of age, I am hightailing it out of this place. I like old school music. Give me Bowie over Miley anyday.Same goes for movies, with the exception of Tim Burton. (I love Edward Scissorhands)
I am currently reading Sweeney Todd, and before that I read Clockwork Orange. i don't intentinally read books about rape, grusome murders and experimental procedures. It's just what's there. next I will read something light, and happy. Got any good books?
Also I have a strange fascination with movies about mental instutions. Girl, interrupted is one of my all time favourite movies. But Shutter Island and One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest are great ones too.
I love jewellery, all though I hardly ever wear any. I'm on the hunt for a good cross necklace. I own a necklace that has an eye for a pendant(not real), and a double finger ring with two birds sitting on it. I think any 'glittery, sparkly' jewellery looks tacky on anyone under 25. So I'm sorry if I offended you because you own any of that kinda stuff.
I am always the one who is picked on. Usually it doesn't bother me, but recently it has. I think after years and years of picking away at my protective shell, they've finally cracked it. here I am all vulnerable and weak. i'll take it as it comes, and go sulk about it later. When it's dark and no one can hear me, I'll cry over what you said to me. I'll think of how I can fix myself, or make myself vanish. But then tomorrow nothing will have changed, and I won't bother to change it. But this year I will.
I will no longer be a wallflower.
I will be thin and beautiful, and you will notice me.