Walking away

I give up. I give up on M. As much as I like him I can't lose any more sleep over this. I haven't slept in two days, not kidding. My ex and I haven't talked, and I run away from m whenever i see him at school. I can't handle this anymore. I'm breaking down. I just can't deal with the pain and paranoia I'm feeling all the time. Does he like me? no, he definately doesn't. Wow, he just smiled at me in the corridor he doefinately does. He high fived my ex, he cares more about their friendship than he does starting one with me. He remebers my name of course he wnats to start something with me. my ex didn't say hello to me this morning he knows something. It's too much. It's far too much to comprehend. i have to walk away from it all before I lose myself. On the plus side I have finally reached my goal weight! 44kg here I am! But i still want that gap in my thighs, so I am going to concentrate on my thighs from now on, while trying to keep the rest of me in check. Any tips on how to get great thighs?

Petrified

he kissed me! We kissed! M and I kissed! i can't believe it. it finally happened.

It was on Saturday. We were at a party, and both a bit drunk. But still sober enough to know what we were doing. I was alone in the kitchen looking for an apple (I hadn't eaten all day), when he came up behind me and grabbed my waist, causing me to drop the fruit bowl. We both leaned down to pick up the fruit, and made awkward drunk conversation. Then as I was standing there holding the fruit bowl, he leaned in and kissed me. It was sloppy, and not the best but it happened.

I ran off awkwardly, I couldn't stay there. I was scared of what would happen afterward. We haven't talked since, and I'm not sure if my ex knows or not. I'm too scared, absolutely petrified.

i haven't eaten since. Not really, only a bit of fruit here and there. When i get stressed or scared i don't eat. I don't know why, I just don't. i also scratch at my skin. I cut my nails, but they still cut my skin. Not enough to leed, but I get red marks the next day. What on Earth am i going to do?

Clawing at myself

I didn't think I'd stoop this low. i never meant to get to this. I just want to be thin. Last night I cut myself. On purpose. I did it because i ate that cream bun. it was a pathetic cut, it barely bled, but what scares me is that i wanted to hurt myself. I was disappointed when it didn't bleed enough. What's worse? I want to try again. I'm not depressed. I cry more often, and i can't stand being around anyone but I swear i'm not depressed. Now I have another thing to hide from everyone. Another thing that'll tear me apart is just what I need right now.
I'm losing it, I really am. i can't take anything anymore. i want to get out of here. Go some place new, and start a fresh. But I can't so I have to escape in other ways. other ways that aren't good for me either. When did it get this fucking bad?

Interlude

So towards the end of january i took a break. A break from stressing about the numbers on the scales, and the calories that pass my lips. Well, I didn't really take a break, i mean there's this thing in my head now causing me to constantly wonder about the food i want to eat.

how many calories are in that? Can I burn it off easily? how long would it take? Does that mean i will have further restrict myself tomorrow? I don't want to stay fat. I can't stay fat. and then i put the food down and walk away, or stuff it in my mouth and don't even enjoy the taste. It's a never ending cycle. but towards the end of January i just shoved the food in my mouth with the breakable promise of I will restrict myself tomorrow lingering in my head.

i have come to realise that one of the reasons that we fall into the eating disorder trap is because we don't fully understand it. There just isn't enough education out there about it. Many think that it's a personal choice to have an eating disorder, but it isn't. it's a mental illness that can affect you throught out your entire life. It's not a switch that you can suddenly switch off, and that's what many don't understand. I myself have not been classified with and eating disorder, but i know from reading your blogs and personal experience how it can cripple you.

recently I saw a nutrionist with a friend -she plays tennis semi-professionally and has lots of trainers and dieticians. her name was Dr. Willis, and she truely opened my eyes to things I'd been missing. i thought to lose weight fast, you ate less and worked out more. All though this is true -kinda- it's much more effective if you do it 'healthily'. She told us that the best diet is one that is high protein, high fibre, and low carb. plus you should work out at least 3 times a week focusing on cardio and muscle building. the best type of protein is lean protein (chicken, fish) and that you should try to have some with every meal. 5-6 little meals a day, eating every two hours will keep your metabolism and energy up, which means that your body will burn fat for longer. Thank you Dr. Willis!