I have dreams about that room.
I dream that I open the door and my room is a mess. Desk overturned, clothes covering the floor.
But my bed is perfect.
The sheets are perfectly tucked in and the pillow is in the centre. The duvet to pillow ratio is perfect. By this I mean that the top sheet isn't to high so that it covers my face, but it isn't too low so that my shoulders are bare. It's this calm, serene object in a room of chaos.
But on top of the bed is the china doll my grandmother gave me. It has no importance to me, so I don't understand why it's there. It's one of those dolls that when you place it down it closes its eyes, and when you pick it up it opens them. I walk through the mess of my room to my bed, and look down on the doll. I stare at the doll for a bit, then gaze around my room. I ask the doll "Did you do this?"
It remains still, and sleeping.
I ask it again and again, getting more and more frustrated. Finally I pick up the doll, but it doesn't open its eyes. I shake it, and turn it over, but it still remains sleeping.
I finally realise, that it can't wake up so I place it back down on the bed, smooth its little dress and leave the room.
The dream is so vivid. It's constantly etched in my mind and I can play it over and over. Of course I understand its meaning, but I can't understand the china doll. Is it suppose to represent me? Why that doll? It's of no importance to me and never has been. Why not my favourite childhood toy? Why is my bed the only thing that isn't messy? Why is my room messy?
When I wake up, I wake up as if I have just come out of a deep sleep. My eyelids are heavy, and it takes a couple of seconds for my limbs to work. I don't sit bolt upright, eyes wide, heavy breathed and covered in cold sweat. But it haunts me constantly.