Saturday, November 5, 2011

What of Now?

I’m home now. I got home yesterday evening. It was horrible.
I couldn’t walk into my room, where I did it. I refused. I couldn’t re-live
those final moments. Touching the doorknob forced me to tears. I’m sleeping in my
dad’s study. The couch bed isn’t as comfy as my own, but at least I can sleep
there. I haven’t stepped foot in there, and I don’t plan too. I’m not strong
enough yet. I need more recovery time. That room to me is like a taboo. A
ghastly place that will push me over again.
Everyone is talking about me in hushed voices. I walked into
the kitchen this morning to utter silence, but it was clear they had just been
speaking. About me. I try to shrug it off and make out that everything is fine.
But it’s not. I still feel empty.
Dearest Mother almost agreed to send me to the psych ward for a few more weeks. Thank god I talked her out of that. I could not stand being in that place again (that’s where I was sent for my eating disorder months ago). But then again I don’t want to be
here. Mother is still leaning towards Psych Ward, so if I so much as shed one tear over anything, that’s where I’ll be. So it’s back to being perfect Alex. I can’t express emotion anywhere but
therapy, which I don’t even though my therapist is so lovely (Miss Melody, how wonderful).
I can’t take this year’s exams because I’m too “fragile”. They
begin this Thursday. I’ve passed, but I won’t be getting any special
endorsements or anything. So I can’t exactly see any friends as they’ll be
studying hard. It’s funny though, I’ve been getting a lot of attention lately
from my friends. Even people I have barely said one word too have made me
cards. It’s overwhelming and thoughtful, and I certainly do appreciate it, but
I can’t help but wonder if it’s just because I’m suddenly interesting, because I
stepped outside the boundaries of ‘normal’. I have seen people from school, who have come
over to pay a visit. Do they just want to see me pale and gaunt and know that
this is what defeat looks like? I am still unsure, but I try my best and thank
them for coming. I do appreciate it, I really do! But I can’t help but wonder.
So here I am. This is what life’s like after. I’m struggling, but I’m moving (forward I
hope). I’m home, and it feels right to be outside the hospital walls, it was
tiring in there, a room by yourself with only approved movies to watch (think
Daddy Day Care, and Cheaper by the Dozen). I counted the holes in the ceiling for
an entire 3 hours just to pass some time (3,528). I can finally breathe fresh
air, and see more than the car park out my window. I’m sick of being stuck in
this position, I always was. I thought I made the right move, but I didn’t.
Time to make the right one.


  1. It gets better after a while... the weirdness. The overly concerned thing where people think you're too fragile to make a cup of tea or shift a blanket from somewhere. It will take a while... Keep strong. You have to face that bedroom sometime. Maybe time for a makeover of the bedroom though? Why don't you paint the walls bright pink or something... maybe? Xo

  2. It's all so fresh. The whole situation. It'll take a while before things go back to normal. You'll get through it. I can't imagine what it must be like to be back where It happened. Gosh, this must be so difficult for you. I hope your friends and family are being supportive and that you're making the most out of therapy. It will get better.
    Try new things to occupy your time. Discover new hobbies. Take your mind off the past.

  3. I'm so glad you're doing ok now. I know you're still a long way from better, but it's only going to get better. Eventually things will feel more normal - no need to rush yourself.

    I haven't been reading your blog long, but do you enjoy any kind of outdoors exercise? I am legitimately maladjusted when I don't have endorphins flowing through my veins. I know that some time spent moving my body and either ruminating on the important issues I have to tackle or just zoning out and letting my feet do their thing, really helps keep me sane and centered. Just a little suggestion, that I hope doesn't come across as presumptuous, since I hardly know you.

    I hope you have a better week than last, and things keep going up and forward.

  4. I'm with "Fat Piggy" - it might really help to redecorate your room. Kind of a symbol of a new start for you..?
    I'm glad your family and friends are trying to be supportive (even if they don't always necessarily know the best way to do that) and that you have such a great therapist. I really hope your mom realises that you need to be able to express yourself at home too though; it can be pretty suffocating to feel like you're always being watched and assessed for any thing outside of "normal" :/
    I hope things keep looking up for you :) xo