i'm about to go fuck everything up.
i'm so sorry.
tell you later.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Some years later and not a soul will remeber my name
Have you ever told someone everything and they still go on as if they don't know? I have. My closest friends and my parents know that I cut and that I'm attempting to starve myself. Nothing has changed. In someways I like that. It means I can go about and do whatever and no one will ever look up. But then I hate it so much, I just want to claw away at myself and scream "WHY ARE YOU NOT PERFECT?" 'Cause that's what it is, isn't it? in order for people to change they have to so mesmerised that they forget the regular routine.
It's hard to break someones cycle. They go about doing everything the same. I don't mean that cycle as in they always brush their teeth before they get dressed, no. I mean the way they treat someone or how they roll their eyes when someones thought vary from theirs. it's kind of ignorance really. They refuse to step outside their comfort zone to help someone else.
it can really make one feel worthless. Well better kick up your boots son, cause we ain't out of the tunnel yet. In a world fill of billions of people I still feel so lonely and worthless. Surely at least one out of those billion cares? Of so then step up, don't hide yourself in the rose bushes! 
I mean is it really so wrong to want to be perfect and stunning? I want that so much I may just explode! but then in the grand scale of things what i want isn't important. It doesn't matter so I may as well not want it. No one cares, and they probably never will judging from how things look. Better tear yourself down before someone else does darling.
It's hard to break someones cycle. They go about doing everything the same. I don't mean that cycle as in they always brush their teeth before they get dressed, no. I mean the way they treat someone or how they roll their eyes when someones thought vary from theirs. it's kind of ignorance really. They refuse to step outside their comfort zone to help someone else.it can really make one feel worthless. Well better kick up your boots son, cause we ain't out of the tunnel yet. In a world fill of billions of people I still feel so lonely and worthless. Surely at least one out of those billion cares? Of so then step up, don't hide yourself in the rose bushes! I mean is it really so wrong to want to be perfect and stunning? I want that so much I may just explode! but then in the grand scale of things what i want isn't important. It doesn't matter so I may as well not want it. No one cares, and they probably never will judging from how things look. Better tear yourself down before someone else does darling. Saturday, April 16, 2011
i don't understand
I've been told twice this week that they've noticed that i don't eat 'normally'. Both times i brought the subject up. What i don't understand is that if they're so worried and concerned why don't they actually do something? Do they think that someone else will step in or that I don't matter enough to them so there for they don't care? I honestly don't understand. But it has made me far more confortable in my eating habits, as I know no one is going to do anything about it. 
Today has been quite a good day. My parents went up north for lunch so it was just me and my brother. He's a couple of years younger than me, so we tend to argue a lot but not today. In the morning i cooked him pancakes, and he pressured me into attempting to flip a pancake (I couldn't). Then for a few separate hours we did our own thing. Then at lunch we tried to use the new pie maker. His pie was pretty tasty, I'll give him that. Then we mad competitions to see who could do crunchies and push ups for the longest, and how many chin ups we oculd do. Then we watched Gossip Girl, which neither of us really like so we made fun of them all.
Today has been quite a good day. My parents went up north for lunch so it was just me and my brother. He's a couple of years younger than me, so we tend to argue a lot but not today. In the morning i cooked him pancakes, and he pressured me into attempting to flip a pancake (I couldn't). Then for a few separate hours we did our own thing. Then at lunch we tried to use the new pie maker. His pie was pretty tasty, I'll give him that. Then we mad competitions to see who could do crunchies and push ups for the longest, and how many chin ups we oculd do. Then we watched Gossip Girl, which neither of us really like so we made fun of them all. It was pretty much perfect.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Send me a postcard, drop me a line
I just want you all lo know that if you ever want to talk to me, drop a comment letting me know and I'll be happy to e-mail you with my advice. I want you to feel like you don't have to keep anything to yourself, 'cause I know from experience that bottling your feelings up only leads to you destroying yourself. I don't want that to happen to ANY of you. It can also be very good to hear an outsiders view, and talking about these things is very therapeutic. I admire all of you, and please never forget that you are all so wonderful. 
Anyway, I've been doing all right lately. last week of school this week and I have two assignments that are due in and I have done next to nothing. I do not know how i will survive this week! I haven't slept at all in the past two days and I am about to crack. But I can't stop, not yet. I have to keep pushing on our I'll crack. If I stop and think I know that it'll be the end of me, and I'll breakdown again. I can't go back to that.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Just around the corner, I can almost taste it
So a lot has happened since the last time I posted. I've been seeing a counsellor, and I don't think she quite gets what I'm saying. But I don't really care cause i'm only going to give my friends a some peace of mind.
my friend has gotten a membership at my gym so today we went to a spin class. I all most died. I didn't quite realise how intense it would be. At one point I literally thought that i was going to faint. It was that intense. But the instructer was so thin and toned, I pictured her as myself and that i was riding to get that body. Whenever I felt myself slowing down, I thought to myself "You have readers out there who actually bother to read your blog. Come on, don't disappoint them!" Then I would speed right back up. My legs are still burning. But I feel great!
Today i went to a massive vintage jumble sale. It was so amazing. I bought a green pinstripe blazer (like a school uniform one), a red checkered shirt that has batwing sleeves and an amazing leather satchel! There were so many awesome looking girls there, and they were all so thin! It was like a minefield of thinspo.
my friend has gotten a membership at my gym so today we went to a spin class. I all most died. I didn't quite realise how intense it would be. At one point I literally thought that i was going to faint. It was that intense. But the instructer was so thin and toned, I pictured her as myself and that i was riding to get that body. Whenever I felt myself slowing down, I thought to myself "You have readers out there who actually bother to read your blog. Come on, don't disappoint them!" Then I would speed right back up. My legs are still burning. But I feel great! Thursday, March 31, 2011
The Versatile Blogger
The Rules:
1) thank the person who loved you enough to bestow you this gift.
2)Share seven things about yourself
3)nominate this award to 10 bloggers you think are badass
4)let your badass bloggers now you love them
So first off thank you sooo much Skylar (http://www.skyisthelimitskylar.blogspot.com/). I love your blog so much and this literally made my day. i was gonna come on here and rant, but I'll dave that for another post because I can't be upset now. So yeah, you're amazing and badass!
seven things you may not know about me
1) I have a crush on my maths tutor. He is so hot, and he's british! aaah, I know right!
2) I once made a cake explode.
3) I enjoy drinking by myself mor than i do with others.
4) I really badly want a pair of creepers shoes. The majority think they're hideous, but I envy people who have them.
5) I do have a Tumblr (http://www.fatalfemmes.tumblr.com/)
6) I have a phobia of birds, and that somone i know will find this blog.
7) I wish I lived in either London and new York.
So now to pass on the award torch too....
2) Miss Alisha - http://www.wemovebyinstinct.blogspot.com/
5) Kathyrn - http://www.kaathryn-xo.blogspot.com/
7) Elara - http://www.thincapacitated.blogspot.com/
10) Astrid - http://www.starvingastrid.blogspot.com/
so, um, yeah. Thank you so much!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
just Floating
Thank you so much for all your support. I was at a real low point when I wrote that, and afterwards i called my friend. She came over and we talked. It was lovely. I decided i just need to change myself. So I went tothe gym and worked myself real hard.
I am so sore and it's amazing. It's the best i've felt in such a long time. I've also died my hair. It's now a darker brown with black ends. I'm happy with it. It makes me feel different, and slightly reckless. I haen't eaten at all today, and am going out later to meet up with a friend for coffee, which I'm looking forward too.
Thank you so much for posting your e-mails and offering wisdom on the topic. It's great to know that i can lean on you guys when I need someone to talk too.
10 minutes on the treadmill
10 minutes on the bikes
20 minutes on the rowing machine
10 minutes on the thigh weights
10 minutes on the arm weights
15 minutes on the ab machine
10 minutes on the vibrating thing
I am so sore and it's amazing. It's the best i've felt in such a long time. I've also died my hair. It's now a darker brown with black ends. I'm happy with it. It makes me feel different, and slightly reckless. I haen't eaten at all today, and am going out later to meet up with a friend for coffee, which I'm looking forward too. Thank you so much for posting your e-mails and offering wisdom on the topic. It's great to know that i can lean on you guys when I need someone to talk too.
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