So Sick

Ugh, I am so sick at the moment. My throat is flemmy, my head hurts and no amount of panadol will take it away, plus my limbs ache. My mama took me to the doctor convinced I have the flu, but he said I don't and that it's just a harsh cold. So here i am wrapped up in a duvet, a sleeping bag and two blankets (one woolen and one fluffy) with a hot cup of lemon, honey and ginger. I'm just about to watch Get Him to the Greek on my dad's laptop, and then perhaps I'll watch the first season of the O.C., which my mama kindly got me from the DVD store. I haven't been eating much and am feeling kinda down, and stressed as I'm getting quite behind on school work. But once I've worked through this cold I can focus my attention on being perfect. But until then I'm gonna ask my mama to make me some Mee Goreng noodles. yum!

p.s here's some fun stretches for you to try out. Do each one for no less than 20 seconds. Enjoy!

Complete Twist

A couple of days ago i caught my friends boyfriend cheating.

I was at a party. I didn't really know the girl hosting, but my cousin did (we're quite close) and she had no one to go with so I went along. I caught a glimpse of my friends boyfriend (let's call him P) early on, but thought I must be imagining things. As the night went on everyone slowly got more drunk and some high. I stumbled from room to room looking for some place to purge, when I entered the master bedroom by mistake. There was a couple getting quite 'horizontal' and I apologised and nearly left when something caught me eye. P has quite a distinct birthmark on his lower back and this mark was apparent on the males back in the bedroom. I said "P, is that you?" The male turned around, and sure enough it was him. I looked to the female excited to see my friend, but she had been replaced by some blonde bimbo. I left immediately. Just grabbed my cousin and hightailed it out of there.

I knew I had to tell my friend, A. So two days later I went over to her house and explained everything. her being so deeply infatuated with P refused to believe me. I tried and tried to get her to believe me, but she still didn't. In fact she accused me of telling her lies because I still liked him. Yeah, before P and A started dating we both had massive crushes on him. i moved on once they started dating, but things have always been sort of awkward between the three of us as P is a close family friend.

How am i going to get through this!

i'm about to go fuck everything up.

i'm so sorry.

tell you later.

Some years later and not a soul will remeber my name

Have you ever told someone everything and they still go on as if they don't know? I have. My closest friends and my parents know that I cut and that I'm attempting to starve myself. Nothing has changed. In someways I like that. It means I can go about and do whatever and no one will ever look up. But then I hate it so much, I just want to claw away at myself and scream "WHY ARE YOU NOT PERFECT?" 'Cause that's what it is, isn't it? in order for people to change they have to so mesmerised that they forget the regular routine.

It's hard to break someones cycle. They go about doing everything the same. I don't mean that cycle as in they always brush their teeth before they get dressed, no. I mean the way they treat someone or how they roll their eyes when someones thought vary from theirs. it's kind of ignorance really. They refuse to step outside their comfort zone to help someone else.
it can really make one feel worthless. Well better kick up your boots son, cause we ain't out of the tunnel yet. In a world fill of billions of people I still feel so lonely and worthless. Surely at least one out of those billion cares? Of so then step up, don't hide yourself in the rose bushes! I mean is it really so wrong to want to be perfect and stunning? I want that so much I may just explode! but then in the grand scale of things what i want isn't important. It doesn't matter so I may as well not want it. No one cares, and they probably never will judging from how things look. Better tear yourself down before someone else does darling.

i don't understand

I've been told twice this week that they've noticed that i don't eat 'normally'. Both times i brought the subject up. What i don't understand is that if they're so worried and concerned why don't they actually do something? Do they think that someone else will step in or that I don't matter enough to them so there for they don't care? I honestly don't understand. But it has made me far more confortable in my eating habits, as I know no one is going to do anything about it. Today has been quite a good day. My parents went up north for lunch so it was just me and my brother. He's a couple of years younger than me, so we tend to argue a lot but not today. In the morning i cooked him pancakes, and he pressured me into attempting to flip a pancake (I couldn't). Then for a few separate hours we did our own thing. Then at lunch we tried to use the new pie maker. His pie was pretty tasty, I'll give him that. Then we mad competitions to see who could do crunchies and push ups for the longest, and how many chin ups we oculd do. Then we watched Gossip Girl, which neither of us really like so we made fun of them all.

It was pretty much perfect.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line

I just want you all lo know that if you ever want to talk to me, drop a comment letting me know and I'll be happy to e-mail you with my advice. I want you to feel like you don't have to keep anything to yourself, 'cause I know from experience that bottling your feelings up only leads to you destroying yourself. I don't want that to happen to ANY of you. It can also be very good to hear an outsiders view, and talking about these things is very therapeutic. I admire all of you, and please never forget that you are all so wonderful.

Anyway, I've been doing all right lately. last week of school this week and I have two assignments that are due in and I have done next to nothing. I do not know how i will survive this week! I haven't slept at all in the past two days and I am about to crack. But I can't stop, not yet. I have to keep pushing on our I'll crack. If I stop and think I know that it'll be the end of me, and I'll breakdown again. I can't go back to that.

Just around the corner, I can almost taste it

So a lot has happened since the last time I posted. I've been seeing a counsellor, and I don't think she quite gets what I'm saying. But I don't really care cause i'm only going to give my friends a some peace of mind.

Today i went to a massive vintage jumble sale. It was so amazing. I bought a green pinstripe blazer (like a school uniform one), a red checkered shirt that has batwing sleeves and an amazing leather satchel! There were so many awesome looking girls there, and they were all so thin! It was like a minefield of thinspo.

my friend has gotten a membership at my gym so today we went to a spin class. I all most died. I didn't quite realise how intense it would be. At one point I literally thought that i was going to faint. It was that intense. But the instructer was so thin and toned, I pictured her as myself and that i was riding to get that body. Whenever I felt myself slowing down, I thought to myself "You have readers out there who actually bother to read your blog. Come on, don't disappoint them!" Then I would speed right back up. My legs are still burning. But I feel great!