calorie filled drinks at Tiffanies

So it's summer. As many of you will know summer means revealing clothes, and beaches. i like winter because it gives me a good excuse to pile on the layers of clothes to disguise my body shape. But with summer it's far to hot to do that. I've been asked to go to the beach on Tuesday and I've been pushing my body really hard at the gym to make sure I am half comfortable with my body. I broke down last night. It was New Years Eve and what was I doing? nothing. I tried to make plans, i really did. but what happened? Everyone was busy. I can't blame them really. but it still hurts that no one remembered me, and wanted to include me in their plans. You know what i do in a time like this? I watch Breakfast at Tiffanies. in the movie whenever holly gets 'the reds' she catches a cab and goes to Tiffanies. Whenever I'm down I watch breakfast at Tiffanies. so yesterday at 10 i popped it in, accompanied with a calories loaded drink. milk and champagne spiked with chocolate sauce. I felt so down I didn't even care. But know I'm feeling the guilt and it's horrible.

What a great start to the New Year.

The Final Countdown

So 2010 is drawing to a close, and I must say that I'm glad that it's over. It wasn't really a great year for me, but it will soon all be in the past. I've written my resolutions early, I hope this doesn't bring me bad luck.

-I will read at least 100 books this year from all kinds of genres.

-I will get that gap between my thighs.

-I will not procrastinate when it comes to school work.

-I will expand my group of friends and be accepting of everyone.

-I will learn to love myself again.

2011 will be the year that I nurture that fragile girl and make her strong again.

2011 will be my year goddammit!

terribly, horrid events

I've started my vinegar diet, and the taste is foul! The first time i had my shot i nearly threw up. But I've gotten good at taking a shot so that it doesn't hit my tongue, it just glides down my throat. The thing is, no one knows that I'm on this diet. I've only been on it five days, and I've noticed that it makes me eat less.

I confess I that i haven't been working out as much as I said I would. I've only been to the gym twice this week, and that was to do a bit of cardio. I haven't taken any classes, nor have i done any form of exercise at home. i just can't seem to motivate myself. How do you guys do it?

Just a quick update on M. My ex (who is friends with M) has expressed that m has feelings towards me. Of course my smile gave away that I have feelings for him too. What my ex then said has put me in a horrid mood for the past two days. he would not be comfortable if M and I were to start dating. my ex and i are still close friends, and his friendship means a lot to me, but i feel so deeply for M that I have no clue what to do at all! I'm popping round to a friends house tomorrow so that we can cry and complain about how unfair life is (her boyfriend is possibly moving to Australia).

Ta Ta For Now

I would just like to say a massive thank you to all my followers. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment, it's too wonderful! I'd also like to apologise for not commenting on your blogs enough. I do read them, I really do! I love them.
Stay gorgeous girls!
I'm not going to have time to blog again until next year, so merry Christmas and have a happy new Year. I hope you all reach your goals, I believe in you!

I'll leave you with some thinspo and hot boys to oogle at.

Proud and Scared

I am doing this. So far I've stuck to my rules and worked hard at the gym. I can feel my thighs burning, and my stomach is looking a little flatter. I am ecstatic, but i can't look at myself in the mirror yet. I have covered up the full length one in my room with a piece of fabric, and I dare not even look at any of the other mirrors in my house for fear of bursting into tears. weight scales? Same story. I just walk away. When i can finally look myself in the mirror, I will step on the scales.

The other night i was at a party and I am proud to say that I did not touch one piece of junk food. I did however attack the massive fruit bowl, but they're good for you right? I managed to eat one apple, 14 grapes, 2 mandarins and 3 pieces of watermelon. But not one chip, lolly, soda or chocolate. This motivates me even more.

I am scared though. I have been doing well, I know it has to end. I am waiting for that slip, that tumble, that binge. i know it's coming and this scares me so much. I lye awake at night thinking about how I can avoid it but i know I can't. It will come, how can I prepare?

the bitter taste of vinegar and loathing

As of next week. I am starting the apple cider vinegar diet. This diet is where before every meal you have 3 tbs of Apple Cider Vinegar to reduce the fat in the meal, or something. Then before you sleep you have one shot of Vinegar to burn through the fat quicker while you sleep.

Now I know this may seem like a 'fad diet' but Megan Fox is on this diet and you can't deny that her body is hot!

Along with the diet I will also be sticking to my rules, and perhaps increase my exercise regime. I may go to a cardio class along with my pilates, plus general gym working out.

My friend has gone on a 8 week liver cleanse, and she is so thin. I hate this, but I have to be thinner than her. Everytime I look at her it's like someone has ripped away more at my insecurities. I hate that I feel like that, so much. I don't want to be known as 'the chubby friend'. That would just kill me. I need to step it up if I want to reach my goal by New Years.

20 more days, I can do this.

What a Wonderful Feeling

I woke up this morning and i feel so light. it's amazingly wonderful! I feel so empowered, like I could do anything. You can slightly see ribs and this brings tears to my eyes. I'm off to the gym. I'm gonna make seeing ribs permanent. my hip bones are clearly visible when I lye down, but i hate looking at myself when i lye down. On the surface everything looks flat and perfect, but then I put my hands on my back, and it's all there. All the ugly, squishy bits that I'm longing to be rid of.

I will get there. I know I will, I just have too!

bloody mary, quick snap pilates and M

I just made myself a bloody mary. It tasted so foul, please don't ever try it!

It's an alcoholic beverage with vodka, tomato juice, lemon juice, tabasco sauce and other things. Foul, foul, foul!

yesterday i spent 1 hour at the gym doing weights(oooh yeeah), cardio and then participated in the 'quick snap' pilates class. Honestly, i can feel it this morning. It makes me feel so light and amazing. So much so that I've decided that today will be my only eat dinner day. Then tomorrow I will feel even better, and more wonderful!

quick update on M. He has officially broken up with his tarty girlfriend! i feel bad, but i can't deny that i am over the moon at the thought that i could possibly have a chance with him. WOW WOW WOW!

What should I do?

Structure

Never eat in front of friends. Unless dining with friends family, in which case eat small portions.

Rest carbs at all costs.

Do at least a half an hour work out, everyday.

No eating after 7pm.

No more desert.

One day a week you must only eat dinner.

Gym three days a week.

Avoid weiging self, it only makes you feel worthless.

Measure self every two weeks. (waist, thigh, hip, arm)

Goal: To see hip bones by New Years.

Repeat: I WILL be thin. This IS worth it.

Certain shades of emotions

I had my hair dyed to day. It didn't go quite the colour i wanted, but i'm still happy with it. It's a reddy brown, that goes more red in certain lights.

I've also only eaten 3 sticks of celery so far today. But my mother is making some form of pasta bake. I like pasta, i really do, but if I want to lose weight I have to be dedicated and pasta will not do. I think I'll make some excuse to get out of dinner, and then I won't have to live with the guilt of that pasta floating through my digestive system, doing nothing except making me bigger.

A while back I talked about joining a ballet class. Well, i looked into a few but they're all closing down for the year. So I'll have to stick to pilates for now until January.

yesterday didn't turn out so bad after all. A couple of girls couldn't show so it ended up being me and two others. We watched the Breakfast Club and Cherrybomb. I love the Breakfast Club, but I'm still undecided about Cherrybomb. It had a weird ending. i managed to get by eating nothing, and once they left i did a couple of crunches.

I found out that 200 crunches burns 100 calories! I think I'll aim to do 400 everyday.

P.S Thank you We Move by intinct Darlings for the promotion! It really helped, and I greatly appreciate it.

Friends, old diets and thighs

I have a couple of friends coming over today to watch some movies, and catch up. To be honest, I'm rather scared. I want to text them all and cancel this whole thing but it's too late now. I'll just have to stick with it and try blend into the walls as much as possible.

I haven't eaten much in the past two days. I've gone back to my 177cal snack and dinner diet. Plus working out three times a week at the gym. It's going good, I've managed to recover from my binge, mostly. But I still feel horrendously fat.

When I sit I can still feel and see the rolls of fat on my stomach, and when I walk my thighs rub together. This is what I hate most about my body. These are the areas I need to change desperately! Please, please help me!

here comes the hurt brigade

Things are slowly going downhill, and very quickly.
In the last post I told you about how I was attending the same party as my crush. Well at the party he was kissing another girl. I was so shocked and even hurt.
How I could I have been so stupid? Of course he'd have a girlfriend! why on earth did I waste those days starving myself for him? But then later on I caught them arguing as she'd been kissing another boy! I felt terrible for him, but also secretly glad. I comforted him and he told me how kind and sweet I was, and that I looked really pretty(squeal!). I was so happy and we had a moment when we looked into each others eyes, and I can just tell he was feeling how I was feeling. It was like a movie. But then a drunk couple stumbled into our secluded spot away from the party, so we left.
The next day I was doing well with my eating (I had only had 1 piece of spreadless toast and it was 1.20), when I saw my crush (lets call him M) talking to his girlfriend happily. So what did I do?
I went to the nearest dairy and bought a chocolate bar, a packet of chips and a non-diet coke. I then went home and stuffed my face with ice cream and 6 brandy snaps!
After I realised what I'd done I blew it. I cried and screamed, and even smashed my mirror with a china doll.
I am so hurt and confused right now. The worst part being is that I have no friends to turn too. They are all to emersed with themselves and each other that I seem to be nothing but wallpaper in an room full of egos. I am just invisible to everyone, and I hate myself relentlessly. I just want all the hurt to go away, I want it gone, out of me.





I just give up.

attempt and failure

Great. Two days of only eating 177cal snack and dinner, with grreen tea and coffee to digest the food, and constant exercise, has all gone down the drain thanks to a pain du chocolat. FUCK! You see I have a party tonight in which my crush is attending and I wanted him to be amazed by my thinness. I just wanted him to look at me and keep looking, and not because we are mutual friends. Is that so much to ask for?

Red locks and Control

I've done it. I've booked an appointment at the hair dressers to dye my hair red. i am currently a brunette and I've never really dyed my hair anything more than a darker brown, so this is kinda scary for me. I decided that I need to feel different to motivate myself more to lose weight. Like if I become a new girl then I will feel different, and need to become slimmer. I'm making not sense right now. I'm thinking of dying it this colour, thoughts?

The weight issue is under control. I feel better now that I'm in control of what I eat and how I excercise. I've got a notebook which I write down what I eat and how many calories it has, and then i write down what I did to exercise and how many calories i burned. It feels good to be in control.

Demons, boys and cleanses

I'm seeing a doctor this afternoon for a 'mentality test'. I've been thinking that I may have something wrong with me, inside my head. Like there's some sort of demon that has managed to penetrate my mind and whisper it's thoughts into mine. It attacks on the spur of the moment, but always when I'm alone. Like the other day I was perfectly fine, exploring the Internet and listening to some music, when I got up to go into another room and suddenly I lost control of myself. I lay on the floor crying, I couldn't stop for ages. These horrid thoughts just wafted round my head and I was screaming for them to leave. I eventually called my friend, who immediately rushed over to find me crumpled on the floor. She held me, but didn't say anything. I just babbled about how I'm not right and everything flew out of my mouth, but by this time my body was beyond my control. Thankfully I didn't tell her of how I'm eating less and less everyday, and punish myself when I step out of line. I think I may have scared her off, she left with a terrified look in her eye.

Anyway, I have developed a crush on a boy. I've only met him twice but he is simply wonderful! He is cute, funny and he's noticed that I don't eat like a 'normal' girl my age. Only problem is, is that he's friends with my ex-boyfriend. Although things didn't end badly between us, I think others who have known us for quite a while see us as the couple who will always be a couple even though we aren't a couple. All this ended over a year ago, and the guy I have a crush on now doesn't know that his friend and I went out. So, typical me lusting after the forbidden fruit. Besides he won't want someone as fucked up as me.

On the good side, I have managed to only eat celery and green tea today, as well as have a pilates workout. I don't know how some girls manage to go on two day fasts. They amaze me. I think I've managed to recover from my terrible day. My mom is doing a cleanse, and I'm going to do it with her! Yipee, another great chance to reach my goal. I'll keep you posted.

purges, slip ups and the number 3000

So things are going, well, not so good. I've broken my 1,500 calorie-a-day rule. Yesterday my total added up 3000cal. When I saw those numbers on my calculator i cried, I broke down. I was in the kitchen hoping that I would be able to have a small snack, but because of those stupid, small, yet incredibly important numbers i couldn't.

Thankfully i was home alone so no one knows of the tears I shed, and what I had eaten so I was aloud to skip dinner.

But how I managed to slip i do not know. I suppose because the past couple of days I had been going so well it just slipped my mind. But food is the first thing I think about in the morning and the alst thing i think about at night, I sometimes even dream about it.

I really have to focus now, nothing will go unnoticed, and i will have to spend extra time working out to erase those extra calories I consumed.

i do not want to resort to purging. A girl in my year had bulimia and instead of making her thinner, she actually gained weight as she was purging after everymeal, snack, drink. Due to this her body was deprived of all nutrients and when she did eat her body found the first source of nurtients it could find before she purged, which was the sugars and fats.

wow, this has been quite a long post, I better cut off.

bye X

Ballerinas, Cigarettes and Compliments

I'm thinking of taking up ballet. I just love the way ballerinas look when they dance, and they all have REALLY good postures. Also Natalie Portman lost nearly 20 pounds for her role as a ballerina in The Black Swan. I want to be able to move with grace and have an air of elegance about me. Wouldn't it be wonderful? But I've been told that the training is rather intense, and everyone is striving to be the best and most perfect ballerina. I suppose I don't exactly need the pressure right now, but I do want to be able to leap with perfect poise, and twirl with lethal grace.

Yesterday I had a cigarette. Just one, but it was amazing as I did not feel hungry for hours after. I have heard of people living off cigarettes and coffee to subside their hunger, but the idea never really appealed to me before. I do have a coffee with green tea for breakfast to kick my metabolism and reduce my appetite until about 2pm, but perhaps I should drink coffee more and have the occasional cigarette? I am highly aware of the health risks, but surely one or two a week can't hurt.

Anyway, onto a more lighter note my friend complimented my thighs yesterday. She said "Wow, your thighs are so skinny. I wish mine were like yours." This is amazing because she is a lot thinner than I am and I was having a downer day about my body. It's amazing what a simple compliment can make you feel. Why do people rarely give compliments anymore? I am going to make it my mission to give out 10 compliments a day.

You guys are all beautiful just the way you are, please, believe me when I say I wish I could meet everyone of you and make you smile.(creepy compliment number 1:check)

pilates, yoga and green tea with oats

I feel amazing right now! Even with the set back at the beginning of the week I have still managed to drop 1kg this week! So that means if I drop 1kg a week I will reach my goal by Christmas! WOW WOW WOW! I am now 100% focused right now. I did 'intense Pilate's' this morning and then spent 1.5 hours in the cardio section of the gym.

I also had a really yummy breakfast, oats with lemon yogurt(low-fat) and raspberries 9278cal), accompanied with a cup of green tea. Oats and green tea are suppose to boost your metabolism so hopefully I'm digesting food quicker.

my friend invited me to take a bikrim yoga class with her later on this evening, so I am thrilled for that. For those that don't know bikrim yoga is done in a heated room so that you sweat lots and ultimately burn of the weight quicker.