Sunday, December 5, 2010

Demons, boys and cleanses

I'm seeing a doctor this afternoon for a 'mentality test'. I've been thinking that I may have something wrong with me, inside my head. Like there's some sort of demon that has managed to penetrate my mind and whisper it's thoughts into mine. It attacks on the spur of the moment, but always when I'm alone. Like the other day I was perfectly fine, exploring the Internet and listening to some music, when I got up to go into another room and suddenly I lost control of myself. I lay on the floor crying, I couldn't stop for ages. These horrid thoughts just wafted round my head and I was screaming for them to leave. I eventually called my friend, who immediately rushed over to find me crumpled on the floor. She held me, but didn't say anything. I just babbled about how I'm not right and everything flew out of my mouth, but by this time my body was beyond my control. Thankfully I didn't tell her of how I'm eating less and less everyday, and punish myself when I step out of line. I think I may have scared her off, she left with a terrified look in her eye.

Anyway, I have developed a crush on a boy. I've only met him twice but he is simply wonderful! He is cute, funny and he's noticed that I don't eat like a 'normal' girl my age. Only problem is, is that he's friends with my ex-boyfriend. Although things didn't end badly between us, I think others who have known us for quite a while see us as the couple who will always be a couple even though we aren't a couple. All this ended over a year ago, and the guy I have a crush on now doesn't know that his friend and I went out. So, typical me lusting after the forbidden fruit. Besides he won't want someone as fucked up as me.

On the good side, I have managed to only eat celery and green tea today, as well as have a pilates workout. I don't know how some girls manage to go on two day fasts. They amaze me. I think I've managed to recover from my terrible day. My mom is doing a cleanse, and I'm going to do it with her! Yipee, another great chance to reach my goal. I'll keep you posted.

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